Hard to Love
by CookiesN'Cream124
Summary: Sam makes a promise... but this time nothing will stop him from keeping it.
1. Promises

**Hiya! Just a little one-shot that came to mind today during Algebra 2. My sister tells me I should add more chapters, but we'll see. For now I'm marking it as complete, but I am considering an epiloque.**

**Tell me what you think! I love feedback! *hint hint***

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It's well past 2 in the morning when the lone figure at the bar finally gives up hope.

He pulls on his jacket and hands a few bills to the bartender, checking his phone one last time before getting up and walking out the door. He shoves his hands in his pocket, stepping slowly towards his truck, hoping that in the 30 seconds it takes him to get to his vehicle, her car will come careening into the parking lot.

But it doesn't.

Instead, his phone vibrates in his pocket, completely catching him off guard as he's trying to fasten his seatbelt. He fidgets in his seat checking each of his pockets before finding the one it's in. He's perplexed when he sees an unidentified number flash on his screen and he sets it down with a sigh, letting it go to voicemail.

But the caller doesn't want to leave a voicemail. His phone dances around the cup holder he set it in as it rings again, and slightly annoyed, he picks it up.

"What?" he snaps.

"Grumpy? I'd say I could call later, but I can't." A feminine voice says on the other end.

"Andy." He's not in the mood for pleasantries.

"I just wanted to let you know that I couldn't come tonight."

"I understand." He replies curtly.

"No, not like that. I physically, geographically, could not come." She says.

"What do you mean?"

"You didn't hear from me… or anyone for that matter… But I'm on the task force. We had to move tonight. I just wanted you to know there was a reason I stood you up."

"You took the job? Even after everything I said to you?" Sam asks her.

"Don't start using that accusing tone on me, Sam." She defends herself. "I'm not one of your suspects that you have to interrogate. And yes, I accepted the position, even after everything. But I didn't accept it _because _of everything. I went to Luke yesterday morning, and told him I wanted in. He didn't really think he could justify putting me on the force right away, but after my actions last night he said no one would question it. So I took the job."

"What made you suddenly decide you wanted in?"

"Because I didn't want to be 'that girl', Sam. The one who let's a guy get in the way of everything she wants out of life." She sighs.

"That's what I was to you? Just a guy who stood in the way?" Sam asks disbelievingly.

"You were much more than that. You know that."

"But you still think I was in the way." He says, rather than asks.

"If this is where and how we're going to hash it out, fine. Yes, Sam, You were in the way. Every time I made a decision about my police career, you were right there telling me how it was the wrong one. Every time I chased a suspect, you butted in because you needed to make sure I was okay. Every single time I did _anything _in that Division, you were right behind me looking over my shoulder."

"I didn't know you felt that way." Sam says.

"Neither did I." She answers honestly. "I was always so in love with you that I just didn't see it… I thought it was sweet. But now I realized how much I depended on you; as a partner, and as a person. When you broke up with me, I was lost. I didn't know how to be me without you in my life. Because I hadn't been 'just me' for so long. I need this Sam, I need to prove to myself that I don't need anyone to do my job for me. And I also need to thank you. Because standing in my way made me realize how strong I truly am."

They are both silent for a few moments, as neither really knows what to say.

"Can I ask you something?" Sam asks.

"Yeah." Andy says quietly.

"If you hadn't had to move tonight, would you have come to the Penny?"

"Sam… I don't know." She confesses.

"Why?"

"Because on one hand, I know I love you more than 3 words could ever describe, and I know that if the chance presented itself, I would spend the rest of my life with you. But on the other hand, you have the capability of hurting me more than anyone else ever could. And even though you promised it would never happen, it did. You broke me. If it hadn't been for Nick and Traci and Dov, I would've transferred. I don't know how to trust you again. I don't know how I'd believe you if you told me you'd never hurt me again. You made me promises, Sam, and you didn't keep them. How do I trust you after that?" Andy asks him.

"Andy…"

"Look, I have to go. I wasn't supposed to call you in the first place. I just wanted to say goodbye… I have to let you go."

"Don't do that… Please, Andy."

"I don't know what else to do, Sam! I just know I can't do _this_. I'm gonna be gone for half a year, and I can't spend it thinking about you. I have to go…" She's cut off.

"Andy, just… please hear me out." Sam pleads.

"Okay… but make it quick."

"I know I don't make it easy… I've done some stupid things, and I know I'm over-protective. I've tested and stretched your trust to the limit. I'm hard to love…"

"But you did anyway. Despite everything I put you through, you loved me unconditionally, and always kept your promises. I wish I could say the same for myself, but I can't, and I won't make excuses for it. I never deserved someone like you… You deserve so much more." He continues.

"But I am promising you… right here, right now. No guns, no grenades, no armed suspects or crying children… Just us. I'm promising you that I will fight for us like I didn't before. And I'm promising you, whether you believe me or not, that I will do everything in my power to prove to you that I'm worth it. Because I love you, Andy McNally, more than you'll ever know."

"Sam… don't do this right now." She whispers.

"I know you don't trust me right now, and I understand… I really do. And I want you to know that I'll be here when you come back. I'll be waiting for you."

"I can't ask you to do that." She says.

"You're not asking, Andy, I'm telling. I know you have to go. So go do your thing, McNally. Remember to trust your instincts. You've got good ones. Don't let anyone tell you differently."

"Thanks." Andy smiles.

"No problem." Andy can practically hear him smirk.

"Goodbye, Sam." Neither knows what exactly that goodbye means.

In a dark parking lot, in the early morning hours, a man leans back in the seat of his truck and stares at his phone screen. At the same time in another part of their city, a woman hangs up the receiver in a phone booth, and slowly slides the door open before tucking her hands safely in the pockets of her pea coat and walking down the lightly illuminated streets.

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**Thanks for reading!**


	2. Saying Goodbye

**Hi! So here is the second (and final) chapter. It's an epilogue 6 months after the first chapter.**

**I will warn you, this is not what you're expecting to read, because it's not what I expected to write. But flame reviews? Come at me. This chapter explores a side of this fandom that isn't ventured into often. It's also a very real option for Season 4 that none of us are trying to think about, but for this particular story, it seemed right. So I will defend it to any and all reviewers who find the need to trash-talk me and/or my writing or story.**

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It's glaringly obvious when she walks through the parade room doors 10 minutes late that this is not the same Andy McNally that left 15 Division six months ago.

Instead of being apologetic of disrupting Frank and sneaking in with minimal notice, this Andy walks straight in with a grin on her face. And then when the applause starts for her and Nick, instead of turning tomato-red in embarrassment and hiding behind her hands, she and Nick _bow_. It's obviously planned, but still.

Sam can't get over her new-found confidence. She walked into the room like she owned it, and this new Andy is so utterly surprising and shocking and… amazing, that Sam just can't take his eyes off of her.

Frank eventually quiets everyone down enough to welcome back Nick and Andy before resuming parade and announcing the partners for the day. Andy and Nick are paired together, which isn't really surprising, although Sam wished it was him.

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He's waiting for her in the locker room when she gets back to the barn after shift.

She doesn't even falter when she sees his figure sitting on the bench in front of her locker, instead choosing to walk right up to him.

"Hey Sam." She says flippantly as he slides over so she can open her locker.

"Hi, McNally." He tosses out his infamous smirk.

"How you been?" She takes off her tie.

"I've been good, although I was a little confused when you didn't show up at parade the day after you stood me up." He cocks his head awaiting her response.

"We're really gonna hash all of this out right now?" She says as she unbuttons her shirt. "I mean, I can understand a few days from now, or even tomorrow, but really? I've been back in 15's territory for less than 24 hours."

"Now's as good a time as any." Sam shrugs.

"Fine." Andy pulls her t-shirt over her head, leaving just a black sports bra. She throws her shirt on the floor of the locker and turns towards Sam. "I called you 2 days after I left. No one was even supposed to know I was UC, which is why Frank didn't say anything until you forced it out of him."

"No one knew where you were! I sat at the bar both nights, hoping you'd show up."

"I never said I was gonna be there, Sam. I told you in the hall that I couldn't do it anymore."

"But you would've called."

"Maybe." Andy unbuttons her pants, sliding them down her legs and stepping out of them.

"Can you stop stripping?"

"It's nothing you haven't seen before, Sam. And it's not like you're in the women's locker room or anything... Oh wait."

"Okay, I'm taking the hint. I will be at the Penny, meet me there in half an hour."

"What if I don't show up?"

"Then someone will be knocking on your door at 3 in the morning."

Andy purses her lips and squints her eyes at him as he walks out.

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He's already sitting at the bar nursing a bottle of beer when she arrives, and he holds one towards her when she slides onto the stool next to him.

"6 months ago, I told you I would do everything in my power to prove to you that I'm worth it." Sam says.

"Yes, you did. But 6 months ago, I told you that I had to let you go." She looks at him.

"I meant what I said." Sam replies.

"So did I."

"We are seriously screwed up, you know that?" He asks her.

"I do. It seems like our entire relationship we've done things backwards. Well, not really backwards, but it's like we drew out of a hat, and just said, 'this is what we're doing next!'"

They both sit at the bar, beers in hand, staring silently at the shelf of bottles in front of them.

"I don't want to plead with you if it's a lost cause." Sam breaks the silence.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to beg you for another chance if you've already made up your mind to move on. It's breath that neither of us needs to waste."

"That… is actually really true."

"So where do we go from here?"

"I don't know, Sam. Honestly, I feel the same way I did 6 months ago."

"In what way?"

"I would still marry you tomorrow if the opportunity presented itself. But Sam, sometime between Jerry's death and now, we just… changed. We don't _work_ like we used to. We walk on eggshells around each other, trying to say the right things, and be the right person. Instead of just being happy being ourselves, we're conforming to what we think we need to be for each other. That's not right."

"No… it's not."

"We're different people now, Sam. You can't just lose one of your best friends, and then break up with the person you would marry in a heartbeat right before being separated for 6 months, and not change. We want different things. You want to make detective and be around your parents and sister more, and I… I don't know what I want. Before all of this happened, I just wanted something permanent. I wanted someone who wouldn't let me go. But this experience… I just can't explain it.

"You want more of the rush. You want to know that you're helping people instead of just riding around in a cruiser. You don't want to be held down. You want to see places and do things that the old Andy would never consider. You want the chance to be nothing but you. You may be playing a different person, and have a different name, but in playing a part, you let parts of you that normally never come out shine their brightest. You may not be able to describe it, but I can."

"Exactly." Andy whispers. "For the first time ever, I actually know who I am. I know how strong I am, and I know what I can do. I've always lived my life by the limitations that are given to me. I never challenged them. I'm just now realizing that I never truly lived."

"Whatever you choose, I understand."

"I'm not ready for a relationship right now. I really just need to slow down and be me for a while. Maybe someday we'll look at each other and decide to try again, or maybe we'll find someone else. It's all an unknown right now, and for once, I'm okay with that. Whatever happens between us, I want us to always be friends, and always be there for each other."

"I want that too. But what if someday I look at you and I know that I can't be just friends with you anymore?" Sam looks over at her.

"What if someday I look at _you_ and get tired of being just your friend?" Andy returns his gaze.

"I asked you first."

"I asked you second." Sam laughs at Andy's retort.

"I guess we'll just take it one step at a time." Sam throws out there.

"I guess so."

"I'm glad you're back." He says.

"Well, it's not for long. Luke is working on another UC."

"So soon?"

Andy just shrugs.

They sit in silence for the rest of the time it takes them to finish their beers. They both sneak glances every now and then, but for the most part, they remain lost in their own thoughts. Andy sets her bottle down and stands from her stool. She grabs her jacket off the bar and shrugs it on, while Sam watches.

"You need a ride?" Sam asks.

"No," Andy smiles. "I'm gonna walk. It's been awhile since I've seen this part of the city, I kinda just want to reintroduce myself."

"Alright then." Sam says as he stands up. He holds the door for Andy before exiting the building himself.

"Goodbye, Sam." Andy says.

And once again, neither of them truly knows what that means.

A man walks towards his truck, wondering if things will ever be the same. More than once he looks over his shoulder towards the lone figure walking in the opposite direction. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs as he steps up into the cab. The woman walks down the sidewalk with her hands in the back pockets of her jeans, taking in the trees she has memorized and the houses that always stood out to her. She delights in the scenery she didn't realize she missed so much, and looks forward to coming home to her own bed. But the one thing she doesn't do… is look back.

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**Like I said, I will defend this if need be, because I rather like it. All I ask is that any flamers (because I know there will be some) don't hide behind anonymity. **


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